I have this fear that if I will never be able to love someone. That somehow, some way, I will mess it up. That no matter how hard I try, I will mess it up. Sometimes I can feel myself start to care for someone and I can also feel myself preparing to run. Run until I can't run anymore. Until my legs stop working and my lungs stop breathing. To run to a place where no one or nothing can touch me. I have this fear that someone will love me, but not LOVE me. You know what I mean? It's like, someone can totally love you, your company, your mind, and everything about you. But they're not in love with you. I've been hurt as many times as the next person. It's a part of human nature and everything that we are. Sometimes, I sit and wonder to myself. "Would I do it all over again?" But I couldn't go back, wouldn't go back. I don't want to ever feel the fear of falling ever again. That sounds so dumb and naive in a way. Why would someone be so afraid? So afraid. I'm afraid that I will love someone who doesn't love me back. Afraid that I will lose myself, who I am. Afraid that I will learn to breathe with them and then forget how to breathe on my own. &Sometimes I ache. From past bullshit? From missed oppurtunities? From regrets? From mistakes? Who knows. But I ache. It feels like a missing piece.
yours truly,
jamielynn
